73

Allen: That's quite a lovely Jackson Pollock, isn't it?
Woman: Yes, it is.
Allen: What does it say to you?
Woman: It restates the negativeness of the universe. The hideous lonely emptiness of existence. Nothingness. The predicament of man forced to live in a barren, godless eternity like a tiny flame flickering in an immense void with nothing but waste, horror, and degradation, forming a useless, bleak straitjacket in a black, absurd cosmos.
Allen: What are you doing Saturday night?
Woman: Committing suicide.
Allen: What about Friday night?

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

What a world. It could be so wonderful if it wasn't for certain people.

I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

I'm not saying I didn't enjoy myself, but I didn't.

The man who said "I'd rather be lucky than good" saw deeply into life. People are afraid to face how great a part of life is dependent on luck. It's scary to think so much is out of one's control. There are moments in a match when the ball hits the top of the net and for a split second it can either go forward or fall back. With a little luck it goes forward and you win. Or maybe it doesn't and you lose.

I don't believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Can we actually "know" the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.

Eternal nothingness is O.K. if you're dressed for it.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

I'm not really the heroic type. I was beat up by Quakers.

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But, then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love, to be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy, therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness — I hope you're getting this down.

The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter... if it turns about that there is a God, I don't think that he is evil. I think that the worst thing you could say is that he is, basically, an under-achiever.

The key is, to not think of death as an end, but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.

After all, there are worse things in life than death. If you've ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know what I'm talking about.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife — a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.

What a wonderful thing, to be conscious! I wonder what the people in New Jersey do.

Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Don't knock masturbation — it's sex with someone I love.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. The horrible are the cancer patients and the terminal cases... the miserable is everyone else. So, be thankful that you're miserable.

I can't express anger. That's my problem. I internalize everything. I just grow a tumor instead.

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

I have no apprehension whatsoever. I've been through this so many times. And I found that one way or the other, your life doesn't change at all. Which is sad, in a way. Because the people love your film... nothing great happens. And people hate your film... nothing terrible happens. Many years ago, I would... I would... a film of mine would open, and it would get great reviews, and I would go down and look at the movie theater. There'd be a line around the block. And when a film is reviled, you open a film and people say "Oh, it's the stupidest thing, it's the worst movie." You think: oh, nobody's going to ever speak to you again. But, it doesn't happen. Nobody cares. You know, they read it and they say "Oh, they hated your film." You care, at the time. But they don't. Nobody else cares. They're not interested. They've got their own lives, and their own problems, and their own shadows on their lungs, and their x-rays. And, you know, they've got their own stuff they're dealing with.... So, I'm just never nervous about it.

Hey listen — I've proved a lot of things. That's how I pay my rent. Theories and little observations. A puckish remark now and then. Occasional maxims. It beats picking olives, but let's not get carried away.

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