New Government - No Waiting

The Pessimists, and there can be little doubt that this is single largest party in Serbia today, are saying that we will be left without a government until the end of May – or maybe even longer positing visions of new elections to jostle the swing voters one way or another.

The Cynics, another significant block of voters, are saying – Great! The longer the politicians stay home the better our chances!

I say this is an intolerable situation. Like it or not (you Cynics) we need the government to get to work. And love it or leave it (you Pessimists) we cannot wait until next Christmas (Gregorian or Julian) for the formation of this government.

Therefore, I would like to introduce you to an enormously cunning plan. The plan calls for Three Prime Ministers! One can be in charge of Media Appearances, one can double as the National Librarian, and the third can roll up his sleeves 24 hours a day. With Three Wise Men following the star in the West, the country will be up to its ears in all the frankincense and myrrh it can deal with. Everyone will be equally unhappy. And we can get them to work tomorrow!

Let’s face it: the Serbian governments in place since Sloba’s dramatic exit have never exactly spoken with One Voice. The ministries are divided up among the parties; the parties don’t like to talk to each other except in front of a camera; and the Official Position of the government on any issue becomes either an insipid compromise or a Multiple Choice.

My solution merely INSTITUTIONALIZES this process (and isn’t the International Community always harping on about “institution-building?”), making the elusive single, unified voice of the Serbian government obsolete.

Now in order to do this efficiently, we also have to make up a whole bunch of new ministries to employ all the different ministerial candidates from all three parties of all three PMs. The usual ministries can be assigned on the basis of a Lucky Draw and the rest can choose from a list of new ministries: Ministry of Fiction, Ministry of Unusual Occurrences, Ministry of Obstruction, Ministry of Branding, Ministry of Potato Pie and Sarma, and a few other HUGELY important ministries that we have been missing all these years. I for one would like to nominate myself for Minister of Parking – about which I have a few things to say.

Once all this is done – and I am shooting for Wednesday afternoon at 15.30 – life can get back to normal here in Serbia and in the White City.

When Carla comes to call, asking about Mladic, the Three Prime Ministers will give her three prime answers. When foreign dignitaries fly in for a visit, they will get THREE ceremonial lunches and go home drunker than they have ever been before. And when the International Donors show up, they will be treated to a chorus of, “Yes, we have no bananas!” from all three.

No one who visits Serbia from abroad will go away disappointed as someone will always tell him what he wants to hear.

As an alternative, and as a way to keep us free of further bothering with elections for the foreseeable future, we could propose a government with 20 Prime Ministers. But that might be stretching the point a little…